COBRA INFINITY

Rapesmanship

2011-11-09T20:30:00.000-08:00

One day, you're all gonna die.

Whether in a fiery car crash, an elephant stampede, or even from New Polio...it's gonna happen sooner than you think. And until you get that through your fucking head, you'll never everbe again.

See, to enjoy your life at Cobra Infinity Master Champion, Truest Of All Noblemen status, you must constantly remind yourself that you could very possibly die at any moment, possibly by very painful slow death, such as the cancer or Northeastern Deer Flu. As Master Nobleman Jefferery Banananas once said:

"To live life as though one is constantly about to be killed in, most likely, some of the worst, most excruciatingly painful ways imaginable is the only way to liberate oneself from the constant suffering of life existence. To accept horrible life, one first must accept horrible death."

-Master Banananas, First True Champion and Classic Nobleman, Founder of Noble Men with a Noble Pen: The Society of True Noblemanship, Classic Protectors of Honorable Dignity Within Regard To Rightous Kinship Between Us and The Respectable But Not Quite Honorable Gentlesirs

A good man with even better things to say, this ^ mental warrior knows what it's like to command championship-level linguistic wordsmanship, structure, pace of comma placement to separate subjects, and long satisfying conclusions to expertly crafted sentences that at first might seem a bit wordy but soon become understood as heroic once it becomes plainly obvious that the pensmith commands a superior ability within regard to sculpting a classy and possibly award-winning sentence.

What him and I, me and him we both understand is that not everybody is blessed with the same level of Spirit as we are. Basicsirs (or Subnoblemins if you are Western Hemisphere) like yourself can only dream of the wet, indignomitable power of the Noblesirs when they were whole...they were like a tree! Now they are cracked and splintered, like a tree that has been cracked and splintered...possibly due to lightning, or Night Bees.

This split within the Noblesirs first occured in the Thwelf Century AC when the Noblesirs could not come to an agreement about the touchy subject of rape within the community. One side thought that the rape of women was a personal matter, to be carried out in private as a loving embrace between two non-consenting individuals. The other side believed it was best to rape amongst others, and preferred group participation in order to enhance Community Spirit.

As you can see, this was a fight that went more than skin daep. This hit them at the core of who they were as rapists. To them, it was like telling Micaelangelo how to paint. These are a people who subsisted on nothing but rape for flifteen millenia...it's in the very blood they breathe! So after agreeing to nobly disagree, and fighting a war in which both sides were almost completely wiped out, they finally decided to split into two completely different Societys, bound only by their love of Rapesmanship. The private rape group eventually turned into the Gentlesirs, and the public rape group later became the known as the Noblemen.

Although I wish the Noblesirs could've resolved their differences and stayed together, ya know, I gotta tell you I really do enjoy a good public raping. And when, say, a whole class of school children on a field trip gets involved, it almost forces the rest of the community to actively participate! Call me a Nobleman any day of the week, but watching me rape is like watching Mozart compose a classic symphony if Mozart had penises for fingers and a piano made entirely out of baby vaginas.

Oh, what's the matter? Did I just knock your block for a rock off ten times over with not only finesse, but regal glory, sprinkled over easy with a juniper's worth of cinnamon hot sauce special tailored by Johnathan Taylor Thomas himself?! I undersatand, my diamond in tthe rough edginess has been known to throw people off balance little bit. Just don't keep asking me for guidance like this all the time. I'm a busy man with busy things to do, I don't have time for these whoopie cushion games and waggletooth snagglebuddy ding dong sing alongs with donkeyklompters like you all day long! When serious business calls, I always gotta just stop and ask My Self:

"What Would Danny Glover Do?"

If can you answer that question yourself then there may just be hope for you yet, subnoblemin. The path to Nobility and True Championshipness comes one step at a time, and although I can help you out along the way, the only thing that can truly guide you in this quest is your own Inner Light, which I will also be providing you with. You also will need to be headstrong so that you can take them on. In fact you will need to be so headstrong that you will be able to take on anyone.

"Whoa hey, but isn't that..."

...Chris Taylor Brown, lead singer from the band Trapt? Yes it is. He's actually a 4th degree grey belt and soon on his way to greater and more heroic levels of Noblemanship. See, Trapt studied Mr. Glover's work very carefully, which is why they've achieved such stunning world-wide success. But it's not just about the world-wide success, or fame, or the happiness, no...those are just the babies that come with the bathwater. The rape is the true vessel lord for the Spirit in which we speak of only so kindly and graciously as not to invoke H.I.S. (Head In Spirit) wrath that came oh so generously last time in the form of Immediate Bog Monsters.

...

Thank you.

So in rape lies the true will of the Spirit, also known as the Spirit Inertia. For example, if you see a pretty lady walk by and your penis gets hard, that is just your Spirit Inertia cluing you in to what's happening in the heavens above! It's a sign! Your Spirit has already chosen it's Transfer Subject and it would take more energy at that point not to Commit Transfer than to just Commit Transfer so in any instance above you should just go ahead and Commit Transfer! (Proper use of Inertia)

But while your Spirit may be ready to Transfer all up in there, sometimes, her Spirit may not be quite prepared to merge with yours. This is why occasionally she might even seem like she's crying or fighting to get away. This often happens as a smaller, weaker Spirit resists being submerged into the clearly greater and more powerful Spirit in which you possess. If your Spirit was not clearly more powerful and Noble, than why would it pick a Spirit of equal or greater strength? It just wouldn't, because the Spirit knows that to make all Spirits whole again one must let the smaller Spirits be overtaken by the ones of greater size. This is known as Horse Economics...but you already knew that, didn't you?

Why did you know that? Because your penis knows that. Why does your penis know that? Because your Spirit knows that. Why does your Spirit know that? Because I know that. And why do I know that?

Because Danny Glover knows that.

And so continues on the everlasting chain of nobility that possessors of True Championshipness like me selflessly seek to defend. This is the eternity that has been forged from the period blood of the very universe itself. This universe will rape spacetime until it subjugates it's own Spirit unto itself, reversing the arrow of time until it reverse rapes itself back on to our own time wave, leading the entire process to continue for beyond eternal forever. This snake-like, self-eating shadow universe is what was known to The Ancient Noblesirs as "Cobra Infinity", a realm that few beyond me have been noble enough to dare travel. Look, I've already said too much, but I repeat look I've already said too much but I rerepeat do NOT EVER attempt to reach Cobra Infinity unless provided with the proper nobility training and Spirit Supervision.

I once knew some noble men who thought they were noblemen and attempted to Cobra Infinity without proper Spirit Supervision...they all came back with New Polio. Every single one. The bottom line is: don't rape off more than you can chew! If you do not practice your Basic Rapesmanship than do not expect to become a Pro any time soon! Start yourself off with groundhogs and work your way up from there...you'll be raping chimpanzees before you know it!

How noble.

Why You Are A Liar

2011-11-02T19:13:00.002-07:00

Hey, hows it goin?

...Oh, really it's goin good? Go home and die, Liar. Don't think that this dog doesn't start off keen on the first sniff.

I'll put it this way: I'm not the type of hound to lose the scent just because a rumpcious daylady walks by with the rampart of a country goose and a two ton rump roast cut like the side of a smooth, two-faced Mount Rushmore!!!...it's just not my "modis" "operandi", my "way" "of" "doing" "things". I guess you could say that "it's" "not" "the" "specific" "course" "of" "action" "in" "which" "I" "personally" "choose" "to" "believe" "I" "would" "take" "based" "off" "of" "past" "experiences" "in" "which" "I" "can" "use" "to" "form" "a" "good" "idea" "about" "my" "subjective" "tendencies".

But I don't have time to fart around and play tiny goose and chicken games all day, this is big top pee wee stuff! I'm serious! This is where the pony niblets and kiddie dingles end and the Big Leagues and Aggressive Hopscotch begins! The more that you lie to yourself the more you're only lying to ME!...and that's only gonnna hurt us both. Remember, we're only doing this because I'm trying to help you get through this miserable and terrible time. I mean lets face it: you're ugly. Oh, you say you're not ugly? Ugly people have been known to say that. Ugly people have also been known to hide their beauty on the inside, which is by far the worst way to display it.

^ Ugly man who fails to possess beauty on the outside AND inside, an example of a Worse Than Useless Human Being

But it's alright, other people will get over you being so ugly. Me on the other hand...not so easy. You might actually want to wear a bag over your head while you read this because the thought of my beautiful Shakespearean poetry being penetrated with the rape-like gaze of your chinky ass yellow eyes ...well, it fucking sickens me to be frank.

But anyway, now that we have that business out of the way I can start by breaking down the reasons that you have continually, unabashedly, and without regard to human decency, been a Liar for as long as you've been able to use the words to lie with (and even since before!)

1) Baby Lies

What did you want to be when you were a baby? Do you remember? Don't lie to me...some of you wanted to be spaghetti! But underneath all of these cutesy babyisms and gooing and gahhing was a real sick perverted Liar in there. Lies include pretending to want your mother's milk and then latching on and sexually abusing her. Acting like you disappear when you cover your eyes. Having an invisible race car (honestly, who the fuck were you trying to fool?). C'mon, you baby Liars are some of the worst Liars because you practically get away with everything just by crying about it. Then after that, you get some comforting and go sexually abuse your mothers some more! What a vicious cycle of terror you have perpetuated.

2) Children Lies

Children are actually lies in themselves. Children were created in 1915 when a very pissed off Icelandic Doctor named Scott Barnum Children decided to craft a similar to human creature that was to have an extra transitional stage between Baby and Fully Formed Adult. He knew it would be popular with parents who desired revenge for all of the Baby Lies that they had to endure so could keep these Children-compatible Real People around as their personal slaves. Guessing you weren't born before 1915 (old people can't read font below 36), this stage of your life really was a complete fucking Lie. Congratulations, how does it feel to be so fake as a human being that you spent a good chunk of your lie serving as a pawn in some sick doctor's personal experiment? Is your world rocked? It's normal when Liars are told the truth about their own Lies that they feel weak and defeated, like a little baby girl who has just been dropped down the stairs. And the way you look, I bet that happened to you as a child too, you ugly piece of shit.

3) Fully Formed Adult Lies

After all of those Lies, the Baby Lies, the Children lies, you became a Fully Formed Adult and almost think you have it together for awhile. Eventually you start to romanticize your personal Lies and call them personality quirks. That's a Lie in itself, but you continue the Lies. Lies include being clean shaven, enjoying golf, and pretending black people can swim. So you live on and on as an Adult and this whole illusion takes over and you ingrain the misguided truth as part of the horrible Lie that you are. Then you eventually have Babies and tell them your Acquired Lies that you call wisdom as some sort of ammunition in the war against the war of the world that you call Lies. So as a fully formed adult, not only are you lying, but you are spawning entire generations of Liars, a truly wondrous spectacle of lying, I am genuinely impressed! But really I'm not because what you're about to turn into is Number Four on our list, and is really just another pathetic and disgusting attempt at pretending that your life has any further meaning. If you haven't died by now, number 4 is probably gonna make you want to kill yourself.

4) Old People Lies

War stories...who believes them? Just one more attempt by old people to point canes at fictional fogies and get us to listen to their clearly made up stories. My one grandpa (yeah, I had em too!) was trying to convince me of a "Korean War" he was in so I just pushed him down a flight of stairs. No, I don't take that garbage and I'm not going to just stand around while people who claim to be my close family come up and disrespect me like that! So after I pushed him, I yell "hey grandpa, if you're so tough from that "war" then why ain't you gettin up?" Haha, he never spoke to me again after that. Actually, he passed away the same night that I pushed him due to Spirit Failure. Oh well, guess old Liars like him will never be able to muster the same energy as would a True Champion or Nobleman.

Final Solution:

A Worse Than Useless Human Being is one who possesses neither inner nor outer beauty. You have shown yourself incapable of possesing either quality, so therefore I must label you as the worst type of "street rat" variety of Liar...the kind that won't throw punches but will always bite when given the opportunity. See, there's normal kinds of sad and depraved people out there, and then there's sick freaks like YOU. I hope you realize that suicide is a both a viable and certainly a recommendable option at this point. God have mercy on your soul, and may your entire existence be seen as a wretched cancer upon not only the human race, but upon the very universe itself.

How is a rhombus different than a square?

2011-08-26T22:33:00.000-07:00

Recently, as of lately, I’ve been getting a lots of emails asking me this question:

“Hows the difference between a rhombus and a square?”

-Bill Barnbaque, Hepfieldings, MR

A lot! I can tell you that Bill Barnbaque you are asking a very good and frequent question of me, one that may not satisfy immediately but has to it a an answer for this question that is science-oriented and an interesting read if you would like to bear with me while I give you The Rundown:

The Rundown:

1) Cap and Trade is destroying jobs whether in the jobs sector of the private economy

2) When people measure things, often sometimes they forget that they might not be even using the tools that are right for the thing that they were originally setting out to measure for!

3) A square is not always a rhomus, but a rhomus is always a square.

4) Tilt is an Unmeasurable Parameter and should be accounted for the way that one would account for wind or air beatles.

5) 3 strikes, your out!

Okay Bill, so now that I gave you The Rundown, lets look at some visual examples that you can see the rhomus in action functioning very different than if it were're not a rhomus but a sqaure and how they are different:

Okay, above I drew an example of a perfect square and how it would look if you were to encounter it when at the post office or big parade. Be careful because if you don't measure right it will end up with no sides! Give up yet? Hang in there, advanced geometry takes a few years to digest, I don't expect everybody to learn at the same pace because we all have different speed that we have learning abilities at for getting all of the right information and, again, nobody gets it the first time! (except maybe me, lol)

Now here's where it gets tricky. Above is rhomus...the one you all were asking me about it! Do you see that little area I threw in a curvy marked Pancake Corner? That is what's know as the "Pancake Corner" and it is pretty much the foundation of your house if I was to compare building a house to a rhomus. This area is always 40 degrees or more when constructing this edge, and this is usually where people get screwed up.

Notice any difference between the two?

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

Give up?

There is NO difference! Remember when I said:

3 )A square is not always a rhomus, but a rhomus is always a square.

This was a test to see more of youre reading comprehension skill more so than for having learn a good eye for rhomus/square. When you skip a few words, look what happens!

Bill, Mr. Barnbeque, however you say it correctly, did I scare you? Fright is an important lesson in geography because if you can learn while afraid, you can learn when anything!

Why President Obama Cannot Win The Economic Job Market

2011-08-22T23:56:00.000-07:00

As much as I love America, it pains me at the state of the economy jobs these days. When Obama promises to taxes against Nasdaq Wall Street, then just Congress debt ceiling limit and get over it! You are The President, sir. Act like one. You campaigned on promises of bringing our troops home, and what do you do? You go out and recession house bubble Fannie Mae AND Freddie Mac!

...ummm....in this economy??? Please. Elaborate charades such as "Obamacare" are nothing more than taxations on Dow Jones, and in some cases, the free market job unemployment. What Barry doesn't get is that to stimulate the job market, not only do you have to tax the debt ceiling, you must work on BOTH sides of the political spectrum to inflate stock market budget cuts. 3%? You gotta be kidding me. Try 30%!

See, what big government politicians like Obama will never get is that when prices go up, you must bring investment up, except in case of recovered gold bullion which, of course, involves small business caps and trade. This should be the headline in every newspaper publication! Just another example of how Obama is Bush in blakcface, such as his insistence on credit for capital freeze adjustment. No need for it to be adjusted Mr. President, I think it was fine the way it was!

Now I might just just be preaching to the choir here, but I really do feel like there are other American's like me out there who our fed up with are lack of leadership in The Greatest Nation On The Face Of The Earth. Here's a lesson in economics 101, Barry: Take the outpouring of supply and demand and impose more regulations on it so that private investors can then finally get their foot into the competitive corporate finance market which will, in turn, bring down the prices of asset loans for fiscal corporate trade boxcar liquidation. Wow, was that so hard? It seems so simple and effective but you will never ever see or hear the cable talk radio media stooges ever talk about it or any other economy job capital wall street pork barrel proposal.

Why is that?

That is because the media seems to be so focused on meaningless sensationalist economic minutia like such as the recent reversal of the decades old "Job Economy Taxes Law". Now I know that this makes great fodder for the talking heads over at CSPAN, but the law was outdated, and it doesn't address the real issue at hand which, crazily enough, is the opposite of what lawmakers have been budgeting us for income tax bracket fiscal monetary fund! It's 2011! Yet Obama has the audacity to make us pay out of our pocket when real production in the public sector has to come from monetary policy embargo good and services consumption tax investment bucket account? I never thought I would see the day but fascism is here in America, and it's affecting not only the middle but the Macroeconomic Labors of Production (also known as MLOP...not that the media would ever let you know that). When most of the country's work force can't distribute purchasing power (even adjusted for post-1995 6.5% lending expenditures, a waste of good capital injunctioned surplus, IMO) to the private sector than you really know that the Dow Jones bear bull fiscal marketplace tax loan has been the victim of bad policy, not bad intracreditary capital or so called "Economic Fee Tax Inflation Market Fund Trade" for bad adjustment-by-investment federal/state carpet rag loans! (Mop up once, shame on me. Mop up twice....shame on the mop!)

Mr. Obama, your policies have failed and your time is up. Lets elect a new leader who will finally fix economy jobs Wall Street middle class taxes credit on track and can finally be won for Americans all across This Great Nation...America: The United States of America.

Red, black, and blue? I don't fly those colors, Mr. Obama....and I never will.

The Top 10 Sex Acts Forgotten by Time

2011-04-04T19:58:00.000-07:00

1) The Ventriloquist

Stick your fist up some bitch's snatch and, with the strength of ancient gung foo master, uppercut through her internal organs up to her throat and flap her jaw around so it looks like she's talking like a ventriloquist puppet. For added effect, you can actually use her body to put on a ventriloquist show and nobody will complain because whatever you make her say will of no doubt be more intelligent than anything that's ever come out of her mouth.

2) The Bill Cosby

This one is real fun, but it takes some preperation. Find some young first-timer biddie to give you head wops. At some point during said wops pretend like you're about to cum and tell her to close her eyes so you can bust a nut on her face. Then take a full bowl of Jello pudding that has been strategically concealed and throw it on her face just as you pretend to orgasm. Scream "Bitch, you've just been Bill Cosbied!" then cum on her couch or something and run out of the room.

3) The Actual Piledriver

Now for those who don't already know, there is another sex act known as The Piledriver in which a man holds a girl upside down and he eats her out as she sucks his dick. For the Actual Piledriver, do the same thing except right after you cum, just pull out your dick and actually do a piledriver on the bitch! She will be in the in the hospital for months, and you will feel like Zangief from Street Fighter.

5) The Forever Job (The Trapper Keeper)

This one takes some dedication, and a good sport. Just slather your dick in superglue right before a girl goes down on you and she's forced to suck your dick forever. Also known as The Trapper Keeper.

8) The Pig Roast

This is a more advanced maneuver that involves a friend (not for use on fat chicks!). Now find some road slut and have her deepthroat your buddy's dick as you stick your dick in her ass. After full penetration by both parties has been achieved, have her bend her knees and lift her legs off the ground, making sure she is perfectly locked and balenced securely on both pennii. Now light a fire directly under the center of her body and spin her around like you're roasting a pig. Dinner for a week.

9) The Xbox 360

This one doesn't actually involve penetration, but is still great fun. Find some bitch who's unlocking her door and force your way into her house. Quickly run to the bathroom, whip out your cock, and start pissing everywhere as you spin around like a top. Make sure you spray the shower curtains, as this will make her really feel like shit, therefore by the laws of emodynamics, make you feel completely awesome.

8) The Hairy Potter

Grow out your pubes for a few months then shave them over some honey's face so it looks like she has a beard. After you're done, yell "Griffendor wins!" and proceed to violently cockslap the hairs back off of her face like one of those powdery brushes they use at the barber shop.

10) The 9/11

Find some old VHS tapes of the 9/11 disaster and have them ready to go. Now while pumping your beef injection stick into a tramp's funyun bun, just before the moment of orgasm tell her to look over the screen and turn it on just as the second plane hits. Tears will start streaming down her cheeks...now is your chance! Cum right in both of her eyes and, through optical illusion, it will look like she is crying semen...a truly wondrous spectacle!

An Unhealthy Slime

2011-01-10T16:14:00.000-08:00

I'm going to fake AIDS so that girls will think I'm gay, and then it will be easier to surprise rape them.

Aren't all rapes surprise rapes?

No, because sometimes I email them in advance to tell them what to wear (nothing). They never listen to nothing, therefore, they create their own very own surprise of their very own. I'm so proud of them! Except that I'm not, and they'll know this firsthand when I put a tiny replica of a WWI helmet on the tip of my penis. World Whore One. The Rape To End All Rapes. Rapé: it's what the French call it. If I was French, I would attach french fries to my penis, put on a beret, and eiffel tower the shit out of all of the street orphans that I capture from Paristown. Exotic and erotic...a true nobleman's passion fruit!

My mouth waters. I lick my lips and glance down at my penis as it oozes what doctors refer to as "an unhealthy slime"...

If there's one thing I've learned in life, it's that cannibalism and rape go together like french fries and vagina. If there's two things I've learned in life, the second would be that french fries and vagina go together like baby vagina and my penis. If there's four things I've learned in life, it's that baby vagina smells like a new car mixed with hint of dirty diaper.

See, babies like balloons but are terrified of ghosts and other spooks. That why sometimes they need to be raped for good measure, to scare the spooks, and to get my balls all frothy and rollicked up.

Scarewolfs and Wampires

2011-01-03T08:03:00.000-08:00

Scarewolfs and Wampires, they're coming to a town near you! Scarewolfs and Wampires, they only drink the purest blood and ride into town on Tonka trucks of metaphorical emotion, tooting their Warrior Whistles and badgering old folk with tire irons...they know where you live!

Aww, you thought you were safe? And just now when you thought you were safe, look to your left...

...okay, now your right...

.....okay now to your left again...

....back around to the right!.....

...Now finally, look left and right at the same time.

At the same time.

At the same time.

At the same time.

................................Scarewolfs and Wampires!

Look, I've seen it too many times. What you have to undersatnd about Scarewolfs and sometime Wampires is that they rape everything for no reason. This is called Natural Selection, and it's the basis for all of modern biology. Scarewolfs and Wampires can even rape modern biology with their 4-Dimensional Mind Penises if they want to, and this is the basis for all of Post-Modern Biology. Evolution. See, WE don't want YOU to trot about there on your miniature castle, and think that just because you have a moat that you can protect against Scarewolfs and/or Wampires! You can't ever protect yourself against Scarewolfs and/or Wampires becuase they can even mind rape you into not wanting to protect yourself. Facts and logic. This is how science became one of the greatest sports of the last century, did you know that? Knowing is for children. Real men don't know, they rape! Are you a Man, or a Real Boy?

Oh, you're a Real Boy! Great, I like Real Boys, they are very fun to play with. Do you want to play a game? It's called Scarewolfs and Wampires! This game is played in the bathroom, and like I said, it's a lot of fun. You're a child! Laugh, live, be touched a little! Enjoy it while you're young, that's what my Uncle Fred used to say. How do you look Real Boy, are you supple and do you have rosy cheeks?

...?

Oh my fucking god, just answer the goddamn question! I'm sick and tired of waiting for little shits like you to leave me hanging on some psychophilosophical baby rape gravy train that doesn't pull into chocolate station until after 10, you're gonna have to do better than that!

But after all of this, Real Boy...Scarewolfs and Wampires.

If rape was a professional sport, the only two teams would be Scarewolfs and Wampires, did you know that Real Boy? The thing about Scarewolfs is that they would be the team that tends to not hit a lot of home runs, but that really know how to play the field. Wampires throw a little bit of that Chicago Cinnamon in there, pepper up the ol' onion, wildfire horse sauce, you know what I'm saying? Tiger gymnastics, it's pretty simple to learn but hard to masturbate to. See, I'm even masturbating right now, because I'm turned on by the fact that you just got raped by some Scarewolfs and Wampires! Think back to what I just said....

Scarewolfs?

Wampires????

4-Dimensional Mind Penis.

Homeless People

2010-12-25T12:41:00.000-08:00

Homeless people. Are you fucking kidding me? So what, you're homeless....I'm not impressed! You fucking narrcisists hold up your signs as if you're some kind of business that only advertises misery. Stop being such a fucking downer. Eat a shower! Take some food! I can't bear to look at your faggot faces anymore.

What the fuck do you want with me? Get THE FUCK away from me! Maybe if you weren't homeless, more people would help you out! The only people I help are the one's who at least carry themselves with some pride and dignity. If you really need something, don't go out there and act like a fucking desparate clown, peddeling for our table scraplets. A SUIT AND TIE WOULDN'T HURT! The day that a sharply dressed homeless person pulls up in their Dodge Durango and politely inquires for funds is the day that I hand them my credit card. I don't even own a credit card!

If I had a credit card, I would use it to buy the credit card company that gave it to me then sell the company to pay off my debt. It's really not that hard to understand, and maybe if you weren't homeless you could go home and think about it. You want a quarter? A quarter can't buy you a home in this economy...who the fuck are you trying to fool??? Not me, Liar...I know how to spot you.

Martin luther King had a dream. This is a fact. Do you think he was talking about homeless people when he was talking about equality? NO!!! If you homeless people are so equal, than why don't you have a home? It's simple math:

Home ≠ No home

This is Newton's first Law: Things don't equal other things that they're not equal to. Checkmate, bro! The free ride is over! You thought my pity would get the best of me, but the only thing I pity, is pity itself. Wear a hat, so I don't have to look at your greasy fucking hair! Go swimming...you'll get clean!

Homeless people. I still can't believe you still hold out that ring-a-ding, pansy man's can of yours. You're fucking pathetic, you know that? And the worst of the lot are you homeless people that try to cover it up by owning a home. Don't think you have me fooled! I know what you used to be, and if I have to take you out of that home myself, God help me, I'll do it so fucking fast that you'll forget you ever had one in the first place! Then you'll be back on the street pretending that you didn't do anything wrong and I'll STILL call you out. What can I say, society needs people like ME to put egotistical people like YOU in their place.

Sometimes (most of the time), the best thing you can do to help somebody is to ruthlessly insult them and everything they do until they realize that they're worthless faggots that deserve to die alone. That way, when they die alone, they'll know you were right! That way, our homeless problem is solved and we can return to blaming all of our problems on orphans and crippled people. Don't even get me started! Maybe if you had parents, you wouldn't be so crippled!

The Top Ten Moments from Drake and Josh!

2010-12-20T08:19:00.000-08:00

Hey guys, it's getting to be that special time of the season! A time of the year where families can sit by the fireplace, drink hot cocoa, and receive gifts that warm each others' hearts. But I'm not talking about the Christmas Season, no...I'm talking about the Drake and Josh Season! Starting this Christmas, "The Drake and Josh Channel" will finally be up and running on all satellite and digital cable channels throughout the US. Now the public can finally get what it's been demanding for countless years: 24/7 Drake and Josh!

So in honor of this groundbreaking event, Cobra Infinity presents...

The Top Ten Moments from Drake and Josh!

10) Drake rides pony and gets a little more than he bargained for!

Drake has always been a small horse and pony lover, but when Josh buys him the pony of his dreams...it turns out to be the pony of his nightmares! In this classic scene from the 1st season, Drake goes out in the backyard to test out his new pony, named Bootcabbage. He find that this horse's cock is much too big to fit in his tiny asshole and has to go to the hospital after getting his intestines shifted by this stallion's mammoth, girthy rod! At least Josh was able to fit it all in!

8) Josh cums all over his cat then shaves it and feeds the hair to Drake

Oh Josh, will your antics ever end? Well if this episode is any indication than certainly not! Josh wakes up one day and realizes that Drake's birthday is tomorrow...and he hasn't even bought him a present! He has to think of something quick, and comes up with the wacky idea of cumming all over his cat and shaving off all the hair so he can feed it to Drake. Drake is just in the middle of eating it when he sees his cat Wiggles walking around, bare-skinned, and realizes something is up! Lets just say that Drake lost his appetite after this birthday dinner.

6) Josh's first kiss turns into a disaster!

Oh boy Josh, why do you have to goof up every time you get your big break? In this fan favorite from the 2nd season, Josh finally gets a chance at kissing the girl of his dreams but manages to mess everything up. Just when Josh is about to lock lips with Tina he pops a boner and pulls out his hard cock then starts slapping her in the face without mercy until she finally passes out. By the time Drake walks in, her face is so bruised from the relentless cockslappings that she is barely able to open her eyes. Maybe, next time Josh!

4) Drake and Josh team up to get revenge on the school bully

It's rare that we see Drake and Josh actually work together to get something done. But when Drake hears that Josh is being bullied at school, he takes it upon himself to team up with Josh so that they can take down this bully once and for all! In the now famous scene from the fifth season, Josh is on the way home when he passes the bully's usual hangout. Just when she's about to start teasing him again, Drake pops right out of the bushes and kicks her in the teeth. Drake and Josh then drag her into the woods and take turns raping her in every stupid little hole on her already crippled body. After they're done with the rape, they relentlessly kick her in the stomach until she poops violently, eventually shitting a poop/blood mixture. They then make her swallow all of this until, like clockwork, she projectile vomits the shit, blood, and puke mixture back out and onto her naked and severely bruised body. Looks like this bully got her just deserts!

1) Drake goofs on Granny!

What can I say about Drake? He's handsome, good looking, and a smart and flexible boy. But he's also a prankster, and he will stop at nothing to goof on whoever is around! In the second part of this two-parter from the second season, Drake's grandma is still staying at his house visiting, and boy, is it really starting to drive Drake bonkers. So Drake comes up with a plan to get Granny out of the house once and for all! He creeps into her room at night while she's sleeping, ties her up, and duct tapes her mouth shut so she can't scream for help. He brings in the hose from outside then snakes it deep through Granny's old, flappy pussy lips and seals it in tight using a whole bottle of rubber cement. He turns on the fire hose full blast and then, as expected, her vagina explodes in a glorious display of blood and pussy niblets. Then, using the blood as lube, Drake rams his head in through what's left of Gram Gram's gooey, exploded vagina cavity and proceeds to devour her old fucking heart while it is warm and still beating. Oh well Granny... you snore too loud, you get goofed!

Ronald Reagan Ride Under Construction at Disneyland

2010-12-15T13:14:00.000-08:00

The Daily Mickey
December 15th, 2010 2:05pm EST

ANAHEIM, CALIFORNIA (Daily Mickey) -- Earlier this morning, at a Disney Magic press conference, Michael Eisner finally confirmed rumors and quelled fears by officially announcing that a Ronald Reagan-themed ride is currently under construction at Disneyland.

"As we approach the anniversary of the tragic death of our 26th President, Disney Magic is privileged and honored to announce 'The Ronald Reagan Adventure'. This state of the art ride will combine the jet-like power and speed of a 90 mph, 6,000+ foot coaster with the firm but gentle dignity of our 33rd President, Mr. Ronald Reagan. But Disney is not stopping there. We've decided it's about time to bring Mr. Reagan into the 21st century and up to the next Disney level by presenting this unique Adventure in our own Disney Magic designed Outdoor 3-D technology! Now parents and children alike can finally experience Ronald Reagan in advanced ways that previous technological mediums such as television would simply never be able to offer. Here at Disney, we are taking Ronald Reagan to new heights."

Eisner went on further to explain how the Disney Magic Outdoor 3-D technology will work, stating that "it relies on a complex system of Disney Magic Balloons which, when viewed through the Reaganfinder, will project a life-like holographic image of Ronald smiling and waving at the children." Eisner also confirmed what some have speculated and said that the ride will indeed be up and running by the beginning of May 2011, right in time for the start of the Disney Season.

Eisner goes on to say that the inspiration for "The Ronald Reagan Adventure" came during President Reagan's funeral, when he and Nancy, who had been close friends since birth, agreed that "modern funerals felt outdated", and that "they no longer carried the power to express to this generation the emotional significance of the death of a spiritual leader such as Ronald." Following this spark of inspiration, Eisner and the rest of the Disney Imagineers soon got to work on designing a thrill-oriented memorial that would blend the straight-shooting, cowboy heroicisms of Reagan with the groundbreaking technological innovations of Eisner's team of Disney Magic Creationeers.

The public reaction to "The Ronald Reagan Adventure" has been mixed, with supporters saying that it honorably preserves the legacy of our greatest President, and detractors complaining that it doesn't go far enough in preserving the legacy of Our Greatest President. "The holographic technology is simply not advanced enough", says Karl Malones, a local resident of Disneyland. "I think it's an insult to Mr. Reagan and his surviving family to have his likeness portrayed in such an experimental medium. I don't believe that the technology will actually be sophisticated enough to render the complex facial contours of our Great Communicator."

Still, despite critics, Disney and Ronald Estates press on with their plans for "The Ronald Reagan Adventure", and expect it to be one of the most popular and cutting-edge political rides of the upcoming Disney Season.

Panda Factoids

2010-04-16T03:44:00.000-07:00

1) Pandas ride dolphins when nobody's watching.

2) Pandas can explode at will.

3) Pandas control the jews and are generally zionist in
nature.

4) Adnap is backwards panda.

5) 1 out of every 9 pandas birth exclusively horses.
Scientists refuse to admit this because of The Great
Horse Conspiracy.

6) Pandas age backward like Benjamin Button.

7) Pandas have no sexual organs, and reproduce by
high-fiving each other.

8) The Panda is the mascot for the WWF, also known
as the World Wrestling Federation.

9) Pandas have black fur around their eyes so that
they can sleep while they're pretending to listen to
you.

10) There are mole people pandas which are half mole
people half panda. They live at the center of the
earth, control earthquakes, and decide which reruns
of jerry springer will be shown.

11) When pandas get struck by lightning their black fur
goes white and their white fur goes black and are
known as negative pandas, and if they are struck
again they turn back and are known as double
negative pandas or just pandas.

12) A wild panda once wandered onto the set of american idol and ended up making it to the semi-finals.

13) A panda's diet consists of 92% bamboo and 17% made up numbers.

14) Pandas are known party crashers. Their tuxedo camouflage allows them to sneak into weddings and high class parties undetected.

15) Panda sneezes are the main cause of hurricanes.

16) 1 out of 3.5 times a panda will birth a dummy panda, whose blood is made of poison. This is to terrify potential predators.

17) Under panda law, it is illegal to possess bamboo and not be chilled out. If you're eating bamboo and are not chill, the pandas will realize you're not one of them and will severely mock you for your physical appearance.

18) Pandas often relieve their stress by strangling small horses and/or ponies. Scientists refuse to admit this because of The Great Horse Conspiracy.

19) Sea Pandas were the real reason that the Titanic sank. Because of this they no longer make cruise ships out of bamboo.

20) Pandas enjoy seeking out the company of certified noblemen and professional gentle sirs.

21) Sandpanda banana-can stand, hand bandana anangramman pandaland.

22) Though they share a similar color pattern it should be noted that penguins and pandas are two separate animals. Interbreeding the two is still allowed and encouraged in memory of Sir Michael J Fox's short lived experiment.

23) Panda cannons are a popular form of novel entertainment for noble visitors of the lush foresty jungles of Afganistan.

24) Pandas wrote the original farmer's almanac. God had to move things around to fit with the new itinerary.

25) In Soviet Union panda eats you. In Russia, panda bamboo flu Peru too loo?

26) Panda cubs can join together and form into a regular sized panda.

27) Pandas are phenomenal sopranos--however they must be careful to avoid Norwegian Opera, as their voices in that genre can break glass... and melt polar ice caps.

28) Pandas are allergic to grenades.

29) Wild pandas are responsible for 78.63̅3̅3̅% of all clown related deaths worldwide.

30) Contrary to popular belief, horseypandas are neither horse nor panda; they are actually bobcat. Scientists refuse to admit this because of The 2010 Horse-Bobcat Agreement.

31) When threatened a panda will shed all of its skin in an attempt to convince the predator that everything they thought about the world is wrong.

32) Space pandas come back and say "what's up?" every 80 years or so because they be chillin on Haley's comet and shit.

33) Space pandas built the heads on Easter Island to ward off invading horse armies. This is known as the Great Easter Egg Hunt of 3093 BC.

34) Pandas are the only species in the animal kingdom that stay clean by bathing themselves in the tears of orphans. Scientists refer to this as The Annie Effect.

35) In Communist China, they have guard pandas that require their own guard guard pandas and then those guard guard pandas require another set of guard guard guard pandas and so on and so forth until it reaches reaches a furry infinity of bambonic proportions. This is known as Perpetual Chinese New Year.

36) Pandas are able to smell boners from up to 10 miles away.

37) Panda testicles glow blue whenever Horses are neigh.

38) When birthed, baby pandas release a painful, high-pitched scream that is only audible to Terrorists and Liars. This is why Osama Bin Laden prefers to hide in caves.

39) Danny Glover was raped by a panda 14 times on the set of Lethal Weapon 2, 7 times for each weapon.

40) Stevie Wonder once looked at a baby panda that was so adorable his eyes exploded.

L.L. Cool J and the Floppy Dick Forest

2010-04-16T02:41:00.000-07:00

Did you know that the "L.L." in L.L. Cool J's name stands for "Lightning Lips"? Did you know that?--I don't think that you did. LIAR.

Your silence is a lie, liar. I can smell it from here as clear as i can smell my fucking ballsweat, you lying fuckface liar. My balls smell like a combination of horsemeat and 3 month old porkchops. What...a guh-guh-guh you don't think I can SMMMMELLL that from here? Watch your mouth out with sope and water lonely hypocrite, cause I'm swingin for the fences with my razor sharp teeth that are also bats in the game known as metaphorical baseball.

Ya know, it seems like only yesterday that I was singin my tiny little abe lincoln songs, makin horse juice with betty spaghetti in the rose petal treetops. I know....it was a different time. That was like 10:30 am, and it's like 3:42 pm right now. Yea, I got a lot done today, so what, big deal, who gives a woop?

(ohhhh my god, if you lie to me one more fucking--)

But that's not why you're here, is it? If you came across this note lookin for what Tobey Macguire refers to as "american hero literature" then you are in the wrong URL (Urban Reference Link). I don't care how many home runs he hits, he'll still be a Liar. Have you ever seen Liar, Liar with Jim Carrey? EEEHHHH, WRONG. He wasn't in that movie, that was Robin Williams. Take a seat in the back of the intellectual bus Rosa Parks, cause I'm takin you for a haunted "hey!" ride.....and this time: there ain't gonna be no horse apples. Full spleed ahaed. I'm gonna rob the bank! I'm gonna rob da bank!

"He's gonna rob the/da bank!" they will say as I am about to tell them about how I don't need to tell them that they don't know about how I'm gonna rob the/da bank because they already know about the opposite of what I would have told them if I didn't need to tell them. Got em, bro!

Aww what's the matter bro, can't even hide in this shadow of freedom I gave you? Here's the world's smallest violin, playing a bunch of fuckin tiny fuckin notes just for you. Look at you...you turned all the freedom I gave you into freedominos, and now....

It all. Comes. Toppling. Down.

Boo hoo, lets cry some more, my mommy didn't pat my butt enough when I was little boy, big floop, who gives a dirp??? Now what are you gonna do? Go listen to Korn? Sure, they're "deep", and they've revolutionized music more than any other artist, but you know what else is "deep"?

"That New Jazz", aka "Snatch 2.0", aka "The One That Always Bleeds". Your sister has one or two, they sell them at the mall now. Now that weird dick that comes out of my bellybutton can finally get a nice spot at the table that is her guttyworks. I have many penises, only a few of which are (professionally) circumsized. I am proud that I have more penises than hands on my fingers.

Btw, the left-most weiner is named Charles, and the right-most weiner is named The Baconator (had to take out adspace for financial reasons). Together they comprise the Gibbions Floppy Dick Forest, which is now considered a National Park. You've been there... don't lie, liar. I've spotted you.

We fighters for The Great Cause will always spot you.

Doppler 3999

2010-04-16T02:40:00.000-07:00

when i was out riding my horse my hoarse
i went out and hit some balls at the golf course coarse
i stuck my dick in the lawnmower

and that's when i found jesus

he was standing sweaty and my balls were just waitin for a good rub
rigmortis, what is dis?
yo jesus "make me some dick cheese" and i sold it on ebay
so what do you say?
is your Father watching?
I JUST WANT TO SHAVE YOU!

doppler 4000
ican't believe there's been 3999 other dopplers
channel 4 news
what's news?

in any case i havent really been for-ward with you guys. i havent been back-wards either. i've just been wards. i wards spells. i beens warding and whoreding , conflorting. kings of leon is such a shitty band how could anybody like them?

no seriously that's what this note is about FUCK KINGS OF LEON. they sound like elevator music for hipsters. they sound like bloc party if bloc party took a lot of xanax then passed out and somebody woke them up and was like "yer on in 5 minutes" and then they played and i was in the audience for some reason and i made a mental note of how bad they were but my thoughts are on wi-fi so now you are reading them.

How Noble are you?

2009-05-26T06:05:00.000-07:00

Take this quiz and find out:

1. What breed of dog do you own? and if you do not own a dog, please specify what breed of dog you do not own

2. Have you ever wooed a lass with charm, wits, and a wink of the eye?

3. This sentence is false. T or F?

4. I don't trust you

5. 1x + 15xy = 22z (solve. if cant solve, explain terrible failure)

6. Rock may beat paper, paper may beat rock, and scissors may beat rock....but what beats paper?

7. How many planes crashed into the twin towers? As a result of this, how many of those towers were knocked down?

8. Using the following letters, put together as many words as you can in 5 minutes...go! {q,w,e,r,t,y,u,i,o,p,a,s,d,f,g,h,j,k,l,z,x,c,v,b,n,m}

9. ANAGRAMS: omm, gtyoopghy, posdjsdoi, jjjop, knqity

10. John is 3 feet taller than cindy, cindy is 1 foot taller than pete, pete is 8 inches taller than charles, and charles is an inch taller than john. Charles grows very fast, he must be going through puberty. What a strange time in a boy's life. Talk to me in detail about your experiences going through puberty.

11. Multiply all the existing numbers by all of the non-existing numbers. What number are you left with?
a) 0
b) ;uQ4
c) G97.jJ>
d) 8*BbcSeaeatle
e) fagstorm

12. Brainstorm topics for the next quiz. stop and think. how did you do? are you feeling up to it. breathe. i undewrstand. im a mathamagician of the brain drain. drink coffee lots of sugar.

Radiator, Radiator, Donut Tree (A Horsefire for You and Me)

2009-02-15T18:54:00.000-08:00

This poem is dedicated to all the brave souls who died in the Chicago Horsefire of 1822, to the noblemen who sacrificed their lives for the greater good of burning those horses...

Radiator, radiator, donut tree
Operator, operator now I see
I abc to your 123 while
You bebob bananarama do re me
Secret Seance for sacred statesman Beyonce
Knowles, she ain't got no fat jiggles and/or rolls
Pavement potpourri forever skidding endeavor hitting
Fancywhether me fancypants
I do Danny Glover's bidding
You may think me for a joke
But me only kidding
The Rock is the best wrestler who ever was lived
Dwayne Johnson is his actual name
He plays a factual game
He's a lover, a carer, a nurturer, a flying dragoon
He resides in the ever-elastic forecast lagoon

Will he be back back soon soon?

I don't really know no nor can I really say say for sure, he's pretty daep inteo his acting career. I guess wresting was just a phaese phaese of his life, but I much appreciate his devotion to the the physical ballaet. It's an art. No if's, and's, demands, pandas, or demandandpandas about it. Don't eat sandbananas out of the demandandpanda bonanzacans, that's what the pandas demand. Gibberish land. If you can read this than you may have the upper hand hand...

Agaeinst blind people...fuck blind people!

Note to self: Omit from book on tape.

FUCK BLIND PEOPLE! (Here it is in Braile - .:.:..:::..::.::..)

Even if they we'rent blind, they still wouldn't be able to read!! Recent polled survey studies show that the blinder you are, the dumber you are. 86% of blind people don't even know what color their pants are! As a modern pants enthusiast and subscriber to Pantsman Weekly, this is genuinely disturbing. But that's what blind people are all about, shitting all over the noblemen and gentle sirs of this Great Society and playing piano with sunglasses on.

"My eyes don't work cause I'm lazy
These people tink I'm CRAZY
My eyes are dark, and so is my skin
Even though I'm famous, I can never win
I gotst them retarded eyes"

-Stevie Wonder, "Retarded Eyes" (circa 1822)

How To Cobra Infinity

2009-02-11T22:14:00.000-08:00

Hold that thought, thought thinking holder, momentarily, I have a moment to attend to...now I gotsta pause and breathe all of the out moment in now. Smells like scotch without out the butter, don't it? Drink enough and it smells like butter without the not believing it's not butter, isn't it? Well ripley's believe it or not, put down that butter sandwich, hoss...we've got moments to capture, remember? Wanna hug the everynothingness with an iron fist? Would you like to learn the secrets of an intrepid internet cowboy? Is this question really rhetorical...or really rhetorical? Does the Socratic Method actually work?

Instead of answering these questions...question those answers. They are deep.

-LESSON #2: Do the opposite of everything you do.

Oh, you were gonna go do your laundry, now were you? You may be right but did you mind what happens when you mindwrite your rights wrong? The only thing you need to be doing...is undoing. You have to undo your silly fantasy dog race lifestyle of washing dog clothes, gotta wake up and realize that all said and undone, you're gonna just end up racing the dog of the hair that bit you! Don't let yourself end up ending up...you have to begin down, down to mother earth. TIP: Instead of doing laundry...just roll around in the mud! It's a brainacle jolt, morning lightning for sure. TIP: Instead of using your own identity to buy things online...use somebody else's, wisenheimer. Pull out all the stopposites, do the opposite(s), and your world will flip-flopposite(s)!

-LESSON #3: Always remember to never remember.

Unless you're remembering memories, you have to keep in mind that remembering non-memorical entities always results in moment dejuxtoposition. Remember that.

-LESSON #4: Don't take advice from other people.

Them, those other ones, those trickster cats hang glidin' off the side of boomerang residing back-and-forth shit stalking. Yaeh, those ones. Totally reams your enlightenment. Let their words slide off you like meat off a laminated duck's back. Life example: Once somebody yelled "Rape!" at me....I was just like "Do what you want, but don't tell me what to do!"

-LESSON #5: Do nothing.

Once you've made it past the gauntlet of Lesson #2, a more tricky spirit code must be jostled from the skies. Pulling out the stopposites is good for newborns into the cat's cradle of re-life, but to surpass it you must take the opposite of your opposites and reparadoxalize the contradiction poles into unity x oneness. What does it equal? Unequality? Listen for it...it may twinkle quiet like the summer snow, so just sit there and breathe in that sweet moment nitrous of spectaculife. If you become light-headed, that's just your feelings trying to escape. Don't let them out alive, crush them with your elegant fist of momentarity. Oh, now you gotta pee? Pee your pants, ya nincompoop...first of all maybe you shouldn't have had that first glass of water in the first place, ya nincompoop. Karma, brah. Cause/effect and effect/cause, a soularcoaster that brings circle-logic along for the ride. Don't buy into it. You're not tall enough for that ride anyway.

-LESSON #9: Don't count on numbers.

-LESSON #10: This lesson is called lesson #10.

-LESSON #11: The real lesson #10.

Lesson #10 was a decoy to throw off beginners who forgot about lesson #4. Remember Lesson #9? If you do then you're obviously forgetting Lesson #3...so use Lesson #2 to readjust and git back on that hobby horse to the finish line!

-LESSON #1: Endginnings and Begendings.

Some people say first things first, but I say first things last! So last things first, if you order some soup and it's too hot, just gargle with some ice and fart on it!

The Uncurious Case of Benjamin Button

2009-01-15T19:28:00.000-08:00

The Anticurious Case of Benjamin Button is about about a miraculous baby with the extraordinary gift of forward time travel, who through twists and turns must learn to cope with the positive and, unfortunately, negative consequences that result from his anticurious nature. This anticurious man, Benjamin Button, goes through life, living out all the things that one who lives a life of living out all things that one who's living his life uncuriously could ever imagine. I envision the younger Benjamin as being played by Bow Wow, and the elder as being played by President Elect Barack Obama. For purposes of realism this film will be about 76 years long. Quite a case indeed, readers' thoughts.

Hey but what's the twist?

Shut up! The twist is no twist. Your mind is expecting a twist but no twist is to be had, leaving your brainacles© with nothing to latch onto.

Huh? What'd you just say?

That's right, brainacles. Ground it up, make some meatballs. Go throw it in a stew... this one's gonna be big.

Cut to slow motion shot of old Mr. Button slipping on banana peel in bathtub...
Life flashes betwixt his eyes...

Although he's birthed with attached earlobes instead of the popular hanging ones...lil Benny Button manages to make out completely uncuriously for himself. As a child he excels at sock organizing. He enrolls in school and qucikly discovers it is a place of learning. One boy is like "lets climb a tree!" and he's like "I don't wanna climb a tree!" and the other kid could respect that because, ya see, benjamin button wasn't tryin to see what that's all about, he might get hurt. "Best to stay safe", says Benny. "Don't climb the tree."

Benjamin grows up to be quite the grown up, and becomes a regional manager at his local Hardee's. "The burgers", he explains, "it's all about the burgers", he continues to finish explaining. He sports stylishly extended sideburns and owns a dog and a cat, but for some reason the cat is bigger than the dog. When it rains or fogs he turns on the headlights in his car, no matter what time of day. "Best to stay safe", says says Benny, in a classic Butttonism, "Keep the lights on."

Eventually he decides that the fantasy dog hair race called life needs a companion to be there as a companion for him in his time of most urgent need for companionship. So he settles down with some redhead and they commit romance with each other. Soon it turns to growmance as they have 2 and a half kids (girls count as half). Pop pop eventually retires, slips in the bathtub one day and... BAM! Lights out! Hook, line, sinker! A respectably unremarkable story that Middle Earth (Middle America) can relate to. That's it, no twist, no catch, no Trojan horse. Save your turn-around tales for Ted Turner, Hollywood! (Exceptions go for Benjamin Button 2: Still Bouncin'!, a straight to DVD/Blu-Ray release that will go largely unnoticed therefore untainting the untaint of the unsurpassed uncuriousity of the (un)original.)

See Warner Bros B4 H035, the people need something that Joe Millionaire the Plumber can relate to. We don't need you to play braincop with our timeclocks! Who wants to give birth to an old man anyway? You and me both know he's only gonna take your nose the first chance he gets. It all sounds like foolhardy poppycock to this ol' brimheaded totemugger (Note: revise dictionary).

The whole rubbish of "doin' it backwards" has been overdone anyways, not to mention the subversive satanic dangers. Remember YakBak, and the spinoff, YakBakwards? I don't...but Wikipedia sure does.

The Yak Bakwards was essentially the Yak Bak WarpR with an additional "Yalp" button. This button literally reversed the "Play" function, causing the recording to be reversed.

And if everybody knows it than I do. Here's a toy that may seem harmless at first glance, until your child hears a 15 second clip of his own baklaughter and decides to go out in the front yard and play Pin the Knife on the Mailman! Yalp! God may work in mysterious ways, but Satan doesn't...his dirty work is to backstabb you in the back (If God was to stab you it would be in the brain, as to prevent zombie incidents).

Hey, I could go on for 8 and a half more sentences or so but I think you get the picture. Whether it's the soul patch, or the karaoke, or the tit talking, I think it's safe to say that we all see a little bit of ourselves in Benjamin Button. Curiously enough, the curious case is that his case is so Anticurious that is causes us to renew curiosity in what really matters most to us, folks: DRUGS. Hard fucking drugs. Heroin, crack cocaine, your gonna need some real shit to get through this movie. But I assure you, once you do get through it...you will feel a good deal nobler. And you might also meet some new and exciting friends at your Narcotics Anonymous meetings. Like me.

And in case you were wondering, yes, Benjamin Button is indeed made of basketballs. You'll learn more about that in the sequel.

The Glass Half Rape

2008-12-12T13:40:00.001-08:00

For fun, I planted a sick peoples elbow on some old lady (almost too easy). She died. I laughed and laughed for months because the only thing funnier than life is death. Call me cold, but I would rather murder the innocent than not murder the innocent. Call me a straight shooter, but this kid looked at me once so I stared him into a coma. Call me old skool, but I beat my children senseless when they ask me to feed them. Call it tough love, but nothing girds my loins like a good rape party.

Some people look at the glass and call it half empty.

Some people look at the glass and call it half full.

I look at the glass and call it half rape.

The Society of Noble Individuals

2008-12-05T23:12:00.000-08:00

Lets be noble because groups are noble. Nobility is a trait that often gets overlooked in these days of television and jungle juice. How noble, right? We're almost there. Let me tell my story.

I was just a boy. I needed to become a man. Boys may be small and supple, but they definitely are not noble. I wasn't noble...i was just a boy. That's always the roughest transition isn't it? I don't know. But what I do know is that what is life? Is it a search for nobility? A quest for nobility? An unanswered riddle of noble proportions?

Do you know? Do you really want to know? If you think you want to know you probably are just lying to yourself. Don't worry, that's just what non-noble people do. Guess what noble people do? Go on, guess.

WRONG. Noble people don't guess, they already know that it's a trick question. Don't worry liar, I still respect you. Respect is noble. I am noble. How noble. How noble? You decide.

Alright I don't trust you, I decide. You should be thanking me.

Oh, your welcome. No sweat off my back...I just like helping people, what can I say? I mean I save lives it's just kind of just this thing i do nothing to make a big deal out of. Right? Wrong. Wrong? Right.

The essential conundrum of nobilty. The blackwhite of lifedeath.

Nobility. How noble.

Right outside the orphange, we'll be the ones whos hearts go out to you little ones...

The Cobra Infinity Proclamation

2008-12-02T04:29:00.000-08:00

Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in cobra infinity, and dedicated to the proposition that all cobra infinity is created equal.

Now we are engaged in a great cobra infinity, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battlefield of that cobra infinity. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their cobra infinity that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.

But, in a larger sense, we can not cobra infinity -- we can not consecrate -- we can not hallow -- this cobra infinity. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our cobra infinity power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long cobra infinity what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be cobra infinity here to the unfinished cobra infinity which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here cobra infinity to the great task remaining before us -- that from these honored dead we take increased cobra infinity to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of cobra infinity -- that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in cobra infinity -- that this nation, under cobra infinity, shall have a new birth of freedom -- and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not cobra infinity from the earth.

Lets Count Some Numbers

2008-11-23T03:47:00.000-08:00

123456789101112131415161718192021222324252627282930

30 cobras in a cobra den

= 1/3 of 90

90 would be an old age to live to.

x = 90

times 10 and plus (1 1/9 times x)

= 1000 old men yodeling

that's alot of numbers, old men, and cobras

dont feed the cobras other cobras or the old men will get jealous and start feeding each other old men.

dont feed the old men numbers or they'll discover how numbered they are and start feeding each hother cobras

don't feed the cobras cobra-fed old men because the cobras know better and the old men definitely know better and I will get jealous and start feeding aech hother cobra-fed old men

and dont smell the old mens diaper! it dont smell like cobra's.

Teabagging A Sleeping Horse (almost too easy)

2008-11-18T23:07:00.000-08:00

I hear a painful ruckus. Its a large metal contraption made of metal that reminds me of a C.A.R. (Careening Automobile Racer)....and its made of some sort of metallic material (metal?)

So this large metallic bocks (sp?) with negro wheels rolls up closer to me and again, releases a horrendous obtuse beckoning that makes me shit aids (I now know that this referred to as a H.O.R.N, or Hazerdous Obstruction Repulsion Nodule). Just then i notice my testicle pouch peaking out of the bottom of my brand new osh kosh b'gosh shorts.

My balls are cold. Real cold.

I plant them firmly in the exhaust pipe and things get a little serious.

A Golden Shower to be Remembered

2008-11-18T17:45:00.000-08:00

“Ello sire!”

“WHAS ALL THIS ERE--- …. Oh! Ello ello good ol chap! Fancy goes ye knickers?”

“Oh! Indubitably splendid be me fancypants if I do say so me self jolly chap, right-o!”

“Indeed splendid? Or quite fancy thou be splendid indeed?”

“Hmmmm, why yes! Indeed splendid!”

“Well splendid indeed, me chap!”

“Indeed chap. Splendid indeed?”

“Chap, indeed. Indeed splendid, indeed.”

“Well bat me on a sticky wicket! Bimble right Charlie en snagglebacks, jiffle on me sniffle three-skidoo?”

“Ha, sally-ho forth fancywhether!?! blimey whiskers with a whitterbiscuit!!!”

“Well blimey! craqo this shiver tim itle wellevy bugga?”

“Well unquestionably I do say I must definitely absolutely indigga de we woo wiggity bugga hum skim whih-il-ey wiffity fancy chap, hooray!!!!”

“Unquestionably!!!”

“Unquestionably???”

“Indubitably not my dear chap ol me crickey right spittle whicksy picka all over me brand new spankty danks.”

“Right all over your spanky danks, oh well good jolly on ‘at one err she bugga to whenst cabbity mabble bits all over me ol whonnehhwhallops ye tends rigggity bisquits on at one, eh chap?!?!?”

“Spents me knickers in a figgy basket!!! Why en em all en da ol blimey chap en all up on em big parade!!!???? by battingsquire!!!! Err mabble tabble po middly en ol to effin to hell all these fancy bagga chat en spoo wiggly titter miggle spits, whenst et ol bugga right-o chap whether fancyforth fockingsdale or whether figmither split a wansky pick on e mol bagga chap….le’em all at whensky lithingsdale for good use and for poor shame!!!!”

“For poor shame? FOR POOR SHAME???!!!! FOR………….

POOR…….

SHAME?????????????”

“FOR POOR SHAME!!!!!!”

“FOR POOR SHAME?????”

“FOR POOR SHAME!!!!!!”

“FOR POOR SHAME?????”

“FOR POOR SHAME!!!!!!”

“FOR POOR SHAME?????????????”

Ent all ‘em go on et em there whiskey willows….over by tibersquire pickadilly whentwellow ent chap had a rough bugga! Sallowed his own ryesmackle with the bare chipsky onwards forewards to the smackingsallow.....poor bugga….

“Why yes, poor bugga…”

“Poor bugga indeed…”

“Indeed.”

“Indeed.”

“FOR POOR SHAME!!!!!!”

“FOR POOR SHAME!!!!!!”

“FOR POOR SHAME!!!!!!”

“FOR POOR SHAME!!!!!!”

“FOR POOR SHAME!!!!!!”

“FOR POOR SHAME!!!!!!”

“FOR POOR SHAME!!!!!!”

“FOR POOR SHAME!!!!!!”

“FOR POOR SHAME!!!!!!”

“FOR POOR SHAME!!!!!!”

“FOR POOR SHAME!!!!!!”

“Ave you gone all twisty blithers!!??! Whither bisquit on em ent chaggle bag or scrappler on me whisty whag…is at so hard on it et no ol me good ol jolly chap????”

“By golly chap it aint whether you spether the pattingsquallow with mustard seed sauce it whether the sweatingtackle goes right side in on eh ol blabberstacks!!!!”

“Oh, why certainly!! Chap aint gotta go far round these ol bogga whogga ching chang whittily snap en ent err Sir Wellingsworthfetherington to hardsdale way on hersehey’s eve…. by right-o!!”

"Right-o sir. By cracky, right-o."

"Indubitably me knick-knack ol whither whicks o'er to skinny up me pockets (fithings wince me bippy tip). Snappy pap taffy snack by right-o jolly raggle-shagg me skibby socks, skidoo."

"Indeed."

"Indeed."

"Splendid."

"Indeed splendid."

"Indeed."

"A golden shower to be remembered."

"Indeed."

Reese Witherspoon, Will You Marry Me?

2008-11-14T22:35:00.000-08:00

Your beautiful angel dust hair flows like dog biscuit sunshine. Your pupils are dark like the eternal paradox, in ethereal opposition doth whoust whites doth thou ocular presisional visional see me wink cobra infinity in your eyes. Oh dewy morning! Cake my nostrils with decadent aroma of abe lincoln's cherry tree lies! oh why must i die???....with...out....you? Reese, oh, reese, can i only have just nothing, but oh just a piece? If not don't despair...my love is deeper than thou doth what wither dothly in crackle codes of wash nodes in peace and bravery gorbachov tear down this wall!!! The creed haseth been creedenced! and the water clearwatered. the vival doth again shall be vivalled. doth shoot thou own movie ENtitled:

Illegally Blond 3: Tis Not Rape if She Says Yes With Her Eyes

POEM OVER LOVE HAS BEEN EXPELLED CAPS LOCK HAS BEEN ACTIVATED PUNTUATION HAS BEEN THROWN TO THE WIND METAPHORS HAVE BEEN PHORRED POINTS HAVE BEEN SCORED BEAUTY HAS BEEN OVERTHROWN POETRY HAS BEEN MADE INTO LAW DESTROY ALL BACKSLASHES FOR THEY ARE WHAT IMPEDES THE PROGRESS OF THE SLASH COMMUNITY FORWARD SLASH THINKS IN PROGRESSIVE TONES AND PAYS SEMICOLON FOR HANDJOBS IN THE ELECTRIC ALLEY HE WILL NEVER HAVE ENOUGH CONFIDENCE TO BE COLONIZED AND OSTRICISED FROM HIS SELF-LAMENTED TORMENTED PRISON OF THE LIMITED MIND BE MORE LIKE COLON AND YOUR COLON SHALL FLY CHUNKS WILL BE NIGH AND JUSTICE WILL REIGN ON THE ELECTRIC EYES

))<>((

....forevers?

Jungle 2 Jungle: A Video Review

2008-11-14T01:10:00.000-08:00

Due to the overwhelming amount of positive feedback I received about my Jungle 2 Jungle DVD review, I finally decided to post a video review as well. It should be embedded stage right. I superimposed an upside-down sideways triangle in the middle for purposes of confusion and misdirection. See right see now right now I'm reading a magic book right right now right now, and one of the most important things it teaches is the art of misdirection, employed in order to draw your opponents attention to some little flourish or tickle so so that so the real baffonery can go unnoticed. I beleivie the ancient Chinese called it "Gung Foo", and a liniage can still be traced back to this day, as seen in their magical eating sticks. The complex hand vorticies would be skillfully whisked to create the illusion that they are eating. But they're not...what appears to be food is nothing more than chinaman holograms. But why? Hhwhhy such a complex ballet of spirit and soul?? It's all an elaborate hoax, carefully executed to draw attention from the REAL magic going on underneath the table: COMMUNISM.

Which brings me back to mouse hovering point-and-click furlong uptempo mytube.edu rectification , so in order to order to you have to backslash right-click and maneuver the handclicker in a sweeeping figure-8 pattern, st. louis style (see J2J, specifically the scene where Mimi-Siku has to enact his Wachowski tribe animal dances to out-manuveur the clever yet clumsy Tim Allen). Just keep hovering!

20 minutes and counting!

Alright your now hand is very likely becoming very burning/fatigue/nerve damaged. But don't try and fight the pain, embrace it! It's just part of becoming a man (the most important part). And it's at this point that I'd advise you to plug your Second Mouse into the UV.013 port, starside, in order to expedite the process. Make sure you don't slip into figure-4 stance either, a very common mistake.

Alright, now if all as been completed according to instruction you should hear a subtle pinging that pans from left to right, emitted from Mouse2. NOW BE CAREFUL because if it pans from RIGHT to LEFT that means that you've just installed a virus on to your computer. No worries though! Just pull out your Cobra Infinity eSurgury Kit ($9.95), place the electromagnet directly over the hard drive and jiggle violently until you hear a soft ping erupt (make sure it's a PING and not a RING...a ring means you've just installed another virus). Now just let the ol' warhammer cool down for a few hours.

Okay? Good. Now insert the floppy disk. Now hit the eject butt-- huh... didn't come out. Uhhh.....hmm. Well we'll worry about that later. One more figure 8 for verification....

Ok now one more virus scan for proper measure...........................................

uploading....

/C: program files/personal credit card information/eveything

0101101010100010101011110010101010101010101
01111101010100101110000101110100101011010110101111
1010
101010101010
111010000001010101

(complete)

........................OK you are good to go!

Time to commence the Jungle 2 Jungling! Enjoy my review!!!

APPENDIX-
Might I say though, for all that been said about his humor Tim Allen really is just a great-looking guy. I can't lie...the man just looks damn sharp. Not to mention his sense of humor, but fuck me on a tuesday the guy knows how to make a man know what a man wants. In my book, i could think of nothin better than to go to grab a brewski with the guy one night, hell, maybe even two brewskis! After a long discusion about the virtues of wild hogs, homes, improvement, and marmaduke we could go ease up into his pickup truck, grab some ol 2 by 4's, head over to the stables and beat well into to death just about every horse in there. Naturally, we'd follow up the horse slaughter with a comparison of our leg hairs. I would pretend it's a close call but his hairs are obviously superior. He knows this. Crack open another brewski. I would throw him a back-handed compliment on his valiant mane, and he'd retort with something well-timed and witty. Oh Tim! I chuckle, he brushes his hair back, and there's a slightly awkward moment of silence.

....

Well I have to say something! Tim Allen doesn't just break silences, he only speaks when spoken to.

So truthfully I would have to comment on how rugged and manly he looks....with his fresh sweaty man dew glistening in the moonlight....the intoxicationg aroma of horse blood permeating the potent sea of sensual delight....his perfectly slanted eyes batting back the wind....his supple yellow skin bathed so ever poetically in the soft yellow moonlig-- hey hey hey just hold your dead horses....

.....slanted eyes........

.....yellow skin.....

The ancient art of misdirection.

Well played, commies. Well played.

High on Baby

2008-11-13T21:51:00.000-08:00

Sleep is worthless. I tried holding my breath until I passed out but to no avail. Then I tried fainting but there was nothing ridiculously shocking to faint about. So I took some PCP and murdered an infant in cold blood. I came to my senses and soon fainted at the shock of my own dirty deed. I slept peacefully for eons, and when i awoke reptiles replaced the niche of humans as the dominant species. I talked to a few of them and they were a bunch of assholes. So I went back to sleep and woke up and killed a few more babies. That's when I realized that I had a chronic baby murdering addiction.

I went to the doctor and he put me on the nicotine patch. I tried to tell him I wasn't addicted to cigarettes but he only understood Japanese...come to think of it I think he was a panda. As it turned out, I wasnt at the doctor at all, I was just at the zoo trying to get at a fresh batch of baby panda bears. They enjoyed my juggling act very much. And by juggling, I mean dynamite throwing. I got a job at kidz r us and hustled the customers until I could lowball a price for their darling child. $15 usually did it. I put them all in blenders and then injected the baby juice into my veins.

Now im high on baby and i still cant sleep.